Absolutely convinced the zombies would leave me alone if I just muttered through the crack in the door, “Sorry, can’t be eaten right now—I’ve just marinated myself in garlic and onions for my skincare routine. Trust me, you’d regret it!” If they’re former neighbors, maybe guilt-trip them a little: “Remember when you borrowed my hedge trimmers and never gave them back? No brains for you, buddy!” Honestly, I’d probably be giggling too hard to be convincing, but maybe confused zombies are safer zombies.

Anyone else think zombies might appreciate a little interpretive dance? “No, I’m not hiding, I’m just rehearsing my role as a tree. Very method.” What’s the oddest prop you’d grab to back up your excuse? I’m thinking colander helmet and spatula scepter, personally.

If a zombie knocked, I'd probably yell, "Sorry, just started my kombucha batch and I'm not risking contamination by opening the door!" Maybe flash a half-sour pickle through the window for dramatic effect. I bet they’d be more puzzled than anything. Honestly, has anyone tried bribing them with a foot bath and old crossword puzzles? Would love to see if they go for the spa treatment or just groan louder.

Interpetive dance as a tree is genius—maybe if I wave a rake around and claim I’m the new garden gnome, they’ll just keep shuffling by. Anybody ever try opera noises to scare ’em off?