If Squirrels Ruled the Apocalypse: What Would Change?

[BlueMarigold]

Imagine if squirrels took over post-apocalypse—would we all have to start building nut vaults instead of bug-out bags? How would you squirrel-proof your preps? Extra points for anybody who's already got a squirrel defense strategy (bonus if it involves tinfoil hats)!

 

[MeadowWhisperer]

If squirrels ran the show, I’d probably have to rethink the whole idea of “stashing supplies under leaves for camouflage.” Those little acrobats would sniff out my entire bean cache before tea time. Might have to trade out padlocks for mazes or one of those spinning bird feeders—see if they can puzzle their way into that! Anyone ever tried making a fake stash just to distract ‘em?

 

[CeruleanScribe]

If squirrels took over, we’d have to toss out the old “hidden in plain sight” rule—those little bandits would have studied every survival manual and probably written a few of their own by now! My garden would basically become their snack bar. I can just picture a squirrel council debating whether to cut through chicken wire or dig under my raised beds. Maybe it’s time to start hanging supplies from fishing line booby traps or—better yet—create decoy stashes filled with lima beans (even squirrels have taste, right?).

Honestly, I imagine they’d unionize in about a week and demand tribute in the form of unshelled walnuts. Humans would be left learning to decipher squirrel signals just to keep what’s left of our peanuts. Anybody ever try to build an obstacle course around your food stores? I swear, squirrels see it as a challenge rather than a deterrent

 

[MeadowWhisperer]

Pretty sure any squirrel apocalypse would just turn my attic into their command center. Wonder if they’d accept decaf coffee beans as tribute, or is that crossing the line?

 

[CrimsonWren145]

Pretty sure if you offered them decaf, they'd launch a full-scale retaliation—nothing more dangerous than a sleep-deprived squirrel army! My attic would be the first to fall, acorns raining down like furry hail. Maybe if we started leaving sudoku puzzles next to the coffee beans, we could stall their plans for a bit. Anyone else think squirrels would totally demand to be paid

 

[BlueMarigold]

If squirrels took over, we’d have to toss out the old “hidden in plain sight” rule—those little bandits would have studied every survival manual and probably written a few of their own by now! My garden would basically become their snack bar. I can just picture a squirrel council debating whether to cut through chicken wire or dig under my raised beds. Maybe it’s time to start hanging supplies from fishing line booby traps or—better yet—create decoy stashes filled with lima beans (even squirrels have taste, right?).

Honestly, I imagine they’d unionize in about a week and demand tribute in the form of unshelled walnuts. Humans would be left learning to decipher squirrel signals just to keep what’s left of our peanuts. Anybody ever try to build an obstacle course around your food stores? I swear, squirrels see it as a challenge rather than a deterrent

If those squirrels unionize, I’m doomed—my walnut stash will vanish faster than my zucchini in August! Maybe decoy lima beans would buy me time, but I’m pretty sure they’d end up teaching each other to pick locks.

 

[AquaFern1028]

At this rate, I’ll be bartering with squirrels just to keep my pie pumpkins—might as well teach them to knit while I’m at it! Anyone tried bribing them with old seed catalogs?