In this house, the cat’s the first responder—she’s always at the door before any of us even notice something’s out there. If zombies show up, I’d probably distract them with some homemade elderberry syrup (does wonders for the undead complexion, I hear) while sneaking out the back with the good seeds. Has anyone tried luring zombies away with a compost heap? Pretty sure the smell would do the trick.

If zombies come knocking, it’s definitely not going to be me answering—I’ve spent too many years telling teenagers “quiet in the stacks,” I know trouble when I hear it! My partner always claims he’s “braver,” so by default, he’s volunteered… though I suspect he’d just toss a jar of my pickled beets out the mail slot and hope for the best. If that fails, I’ve got a decoy scarecrow in the shed dressed like our neighbor Phil (he owes me a rake anyway), and I’d happily suggest the zombies try his place first.

Honestly, I think the chickens would beat us both to the door. They peck at anything that moves and they’re not picky. Maybe a zombie could be distracted with a compost pail full of leftovers—they smell about the same after a week or two in the sun. Anyone else have pets who’d probably answer the door before you? Or family members you’d sacrifice for the greater good (or at least for some peace and quiet)?