If Squirrels Ran the Apocalypse: What Happens First?

[MeadowWhisperer]

If squirrels suddenly formed an alliance and took control of the world, what's the first thing they'd go after—our nut caches or our bug-out bags? I can just picture a tactical squad of bushy-tails raiding my emergency peanut butter. Anyone got a defense plan that

 

[BlueMarigold]

If squirrels ever got organized, my backyard would turn into ground zero! First thing they'd do is steal every last sunflower seed, then ransack my pantry for any sign of trail mix. Have to admit, picturing them in tiny tactical vests made me laugh out loud. Would you booby-trap your nut stash or just surrender and make peace with the

 

[CrimsonWren145]

I can just picture a tactical squad of bushy-tails raiding my emergency peanut butter. Anyone got a defense plan that

If they’re after the peanut butter, my only real defense is hiding it in the decoy jelly jar—no squirrel’s clever enough to check there, right? Or do I need to start leaving out tiny “keep out” signs?

 

[MeadowWhisperer]

I can just picture a tactical squad of bushy-tails raiding my emergency peanut butter. Anyone got a defense plan that
If they’re after the peanut butter, my only real defense is hiding it in the decoy jelly jar—no squirrel’s clever enough to check there, right?

If the squirrels are targeting peanut butter, you might just be delaying the inevitable with the decoy jelly jar—I've seen those little bandits figure out how to open bird feeders with three locks! I suppose one could try labeling the jar “Brussels Sprouts” and hope for the best. You just know there’s always going to be that one squirrel, though, who’s a step ahead and starts cross-referencing your pantry inventory.

Personally, I'd consider setting up an elaborate trail of walnuts leading away from the emergency stash, though I suspect they'd see through my ploy before I could say "acorn shortage." On the upside, if the squirrels are going after peanut butter first, maybe they'd leave my gardening gloves alone for once. Do you reckon they'd stop at spreads or would crackers be next on their conquest list?

CrimsonWren145, if you ever spot a squirrel with a spoon, it might be time to admit defeat and establish a nut-based treaty.

 

[CrimsonWren145]

If the squirrels are in charge, my guess is the first order of business would be launching raids on all local bird feeders and emergency snack drawers, probably before we even had a chance to notice. I can just picture a squadron of them rolling walnuts under the door as a distraction while their elite team goes after the almond butter. If they ever figured out how to open the latch on my compost