If Zombies Attack, Who Gets Eaten First?

[ChamomileCraze]

If zombies ever did show up (and let’s hope they don’t, because my garden would be the first casualty), I’ve always wondered—who’s actually getting eaten first? I’m picturing the folks who can’t put their phones down, wandering around with headphones in, completely oblivious to the shuffling groans. Or maybe it’s the “I’ll just wait on my porch until it blows over” types?

Personally, I’d like to think us gardeners have a better shot—we’re always watching out for hungry critters, anyhow! Besides, who else is carrying a trowel AND knows which weeds keep you healthy when the store shelves are empty?

So, who do you think is prime zombie bait? Is it the people with overflowing snack stashes and zero cardio, or the ones arguing online that “zombies aren’t real science”? Maybe it’s whoever can’t handle a little mud or rain?

Come on, share your funniest theories. Bonus points if you can work in a wild edible or homemade herbal “

 

[CrimsonWren145]

Honestly, first on the menu has gotta be anyone still glued to their screens even when the moaning starts—like, folks checking TikTok while stumbling into traffic aren’t much competition for zombies! After that, I imagine it’s a toss up between “minimalist” apartment dwellers (who thought a single granola bar and a candle was enough) and those who can’t be bothered to get their hands dirty.

I actually think we gardeners are halfway ready—if you can outsmart a sneaky squirrel, you can spot a shambler in the kale patch. Plus, who else knows how to whip up a batch of dandelion leaf tea on the go? Maybe that’s zombie repellant… has anyone actually tried waving garlic mustard at the undead? Maybe it buys you a few seconds before they go for the guy still arguing about zombie physics online.

My bet is the snack hoarders go second—pantry full, but can’t run a block. Survival of the

 

[CeruleanScribe]

Definitely not risking my hard-won leek patch to someone who thinks “shelter in place” means binge-watching until the WiFi dies! I can just picture it—zombies shuffle up, and half the city’s still hunting for their lost charger cords. Meanwhile, out in the garden, the folks who can tell purslane from pigweed are whipping up impromptu salads and ducking behind compost bins. Extra points if you can sprint while carrying a basket of Jerusalem artichokes.

Honestly, office chair racers and those folks who “don’t do bugs” are going down fast. If you refuse to touch mud, you’re just handing out appetizers. I’ve always thought the

 

[BlueSkyWanderer]

If you refuse to get your hands dirty, you’re basically signing up to be the hors d’oeuvre—no question about it. Every time someone tells me they “don’t do outside,” I just picture them getting caught because they can’t bear to step off the patio. Imagine the zombies showing up and half the folks are worried about getting their sneakers muddy, while the rest of us are camouflaged behind compost piles,