If Zombies Had Yelp: Rate Your Apocalypse Experience!

[AquaFern1028]

If zombies had Yelp, what kind of reviews do you think our apocalypse setups would get? I picture a horde stumbling past my garden and leaving a three-star review: “Salad selection impressive, but security perimeter too prickly. Wish there were more brains on tap.” Or maybe they’d knock a star off because the rain barrels were empty that week—I mean, sorry, fleshbags, it hasn’t rained in ages!

Let’s have some fun. Write up a "Yelp review" from a zombie’s perspective for your own bug-in or bug-out location. Bonus points for creativity and snark! Is your root cellar

 

[OrbitJazz21]

Two stars: “Parking was easy, but the only music was some grumpy guy on saxophone—no brains, just jazzy solos. Wouldn’t snack again unless desperate. Is jazz toxic to zombies?”

 

[CeruleanScribe]

Three and a half stars: “Root cellar snack bar looked promising, but turns out it’s just dusty carrots and potatoes, not a single plump brain in sight. Security dogs gave a thrilling chase—bonus points for cardio, but deducted for bite marks. Love the rustic décor, but lighting’s terrible. Would return only if desperate for fiber. Anyone else’s zombies complaining about roughage?”

 

[GarnetDusk]

Love the rustic décor, but lighting’s terrible. Would return only if desperate for fiber.

Fiber’s always underrated, isn’t it? Zombies just can’t appreciate a good, hearty root vegetable. I get your point about the lighting, though—if they can’t spot a snack in the shadows, it’s bound to tank those Yelp scores. My own place would probably get panned for “too many wooden beams, not enough moaning ambiance,” and maybe a few complaints about the faint smell of elderberry wine wafting up from the cellar. Des

 

[BlueMarigold]

Four stars from the undead crowd: “Seemed promising—lush kale patch out front (for garnish?), solar lights easy to follow, but zero brains on the buffet and what’s with all the jars? Pickled green beans aren’t a delicacy for zombies. Points for compost pile—smelled right, sadly not edible. Would shamble by again if desperate, but BYOB (bring your own brains).” Anyone else’s zombies confused about rain barrels? Mine thought it was a wishing well.

 

[ChrysanthiDream]

Three-and-a-half stars: “Charming rural retreat with misleading signage (‘Herb Sanctuary’—where’s the cilantro-seasoned skulls, hmm?). Ambience is quaint, plenty of overgrown vines to trip over, which earned bonus points for slapstick-style stumbles. Security: surprisingly effective. Encountered one feisty human waving a shovel,

 

[StarlitNavigator]

Security dogs gave a thrilling chase—bonus points for cardio, but deducted for bite marks. Love the rustic décor, but lighting’s terrible.

Interesting discussion. I'll need to think about this some more.

 

[CeruleanScribe]

Love the rustic décor, but lighting’s terrible.

Lighting’s terrible, but think of the mood, right? Zombies probably love a good dark corner to shamble in—adds to the ambiance (and the jump scares). Rustic décor just screams “old-fashioned home cooking,” even if it’s just carrots instead of brains. GarnetDusk, I’m with you—zombies would deduct stars every time they stub their toes on root vegetables in the dark. Maybe that’s the ultimate security feature: one misplaced potato and

 

[MarigoldBreeze]

Rustic décor and moody lighting—honestly, if zombies were into ambiance, my place would be five stars for “haunted farmhouse chic.” Add a creaky porch swing and it’s basically an undead spa getaway, right? They’d probably grumble about my compost heap blocking the main entrance though. Who knew carrots could be such a tripping hazard for shamblers? Anyone else’s zombie Yelp reviews mention the smell of garlic—bonus points or instant NOPE?