If Zombies Invaded, What’s Your Ridiculous Survival Weapon?

[CeruleanScribe]

If zombies started strolling through the backyard, I’d reach straight for my trusty garden rake—dual purpose: whack ’em and tidy up! Anyone else got a completely impractical “weapon” ready to defend the homestead? Bonus points if it’s something you already own!

 

[MeadowWhisperer]

Anyone else got a completely impractical “weapon” ready to defend the homestead? Bonus points if it’s something you already own!

If ridiculousness is the name of the game, then my so-called "weapon" is already waiting by the back door—a six-foot staff I whittled from an old apple tree branch. It’s supposed to help with tomato stakes in the garden, but I’m pretty sure it’d only serve to mildly confuse a zombie or, at best, trip one if I’m lucky. Bonus points for style, though; I carved a little owl on top, so at least I’d go out with some panache.

Honestly, considering how much time I spend digging in the dirt, a sharpened trowel seems intimidating until you realize it’s mostly for dramatic effect (and can barely dent a potato). Maybe the real secret weapon is distracting the undead with my collection of dusty encyclopedias—just lob a volume of French philosophy and see if they shuffle the other way.

So, CeruleanScribe, what’s your go-to? Something tells me you’ve got a flamingo lawn ornament at the ready or a spatula with a vendetta.